When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant. I was like a beast toward You. Nevertheless, I am continually with You. You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will receive me to glory. (Verses 21-24)
But a stupid man will get understanding when a wild donkey's colt is born a man! Job 11
I can attest to the fact that a wounded heart and a bitter spirit can make a person do really stupid things. Act like a jackass. Bray and spit and kick into the air. I'm quite sure I'm not the only one who has acted foolishly like this. I've seen it and recognize it all too well. Once planted, the root of bitterness makes us see things askew. Anything in life that doesn't go our way can make us mad at God, accusing Him of not caring about us...or worse, not even existing.
The train wreck that was 1985 for my sisters and me left us bereft of both father and mother. Cancer took Mother. Jail took Daddy. The one-two punch of it could've been making my faith pure gold, but instead, a seed of doubt about God's goodness was planted in my heart. Lots of questions day in and day out chipped away at my trust. The sheer magnitude of trying to understanding a perversion I couldn't even articulate crushed me in a way I still have difficulty expressing. The slow death of cancer, watching someone I loved so deeply turn saffron-yellow as her body shriveled and her heart broke, was excruciating and soul sapping. On top of that, two of my best friends died of breast cancer within months of each other. It felt like God kills His children. Like things run amok while He bides His time. I listened to those lies loop in my soul, playing the recording over and over again, ever louder, for months. They fed my pricked heart. My paradigm of who I thought God to be shifted. I lost my spiritual footing. And started running. And kicking. And braying. Ignorant and stubborn in my anger. How could God.....?
The result of this was my acting dumb. Really. A wild donkey just goes where a wild donkey wants to go. Does what a mule does. When called to the corral, she balks. When warned of a cliff, she gets to the very edge....maybe even goes over it. When the One Who loves her comes near, she kicks and brays. He wants to keep her from what she wants to do. She loved Him once, but now He has disappointed her. Tried to rein her in and pulled the bit too tightly. It hurt. Why would she let Him near her again?
The thing is, my heart was numb. Scared and confused, it felt good to kick the air and scream and run. Brutish in its primal response, my soul didn't do what a redeemed soul should. Get quiet and think. Not just feel. Had I pressed into God instead of accusing Him, I might have come out pure gold. A shining example of how to endure all I couldn't possibly understand. Because life gives us things to handle that are beyond our comprehension. Like Job, we don't get what God is doing in a realm we can't see. My one dimensional view of Him was that He'd removed Himself somehow from my holocaust, taken two mothers away from their children and left me with no adequate response. No way to explain Him to myself or anyone else. Hee-haw. That's about all I could come up with as I ran toward the precipice.
Nevertheless.....But God....loved His little mule. Understood what she was going through. Why she was acting like a beast with no sense. I brayed and jumped....stranded in midair, flailing my legs in sudden realization of my stupidity, but it was too late. Falling fast. About to splat in a mess of body parts at the bottom of a hopeless pit. But He grabbed me by the ears and caught me up. You know, that hurt, too. Rescue felt like another punch in the gut. It took a minute or ten to realize I was saved. Again! He'd never left me. Even when I acted the fool. Although I made Him look stupid along with me. I know I hurt others during that time. Made them see my Lord incorrectly. I am deeply sorry for that. But I hope in watching His compassion toward me, they understand how deeply He can love even the most foolish of us.
But a stupid man will get understanding when a wild donkey's colt is born a man! Job 11
I can attest to the fact that a wounded heart and a bitter spirit can make a person do really stupid things. Act like a jackass. Bray and spit and kick into the air. I'm quite sure I'm not the only one who has acted foolishly like this. I've seen it and recognize it all too well. Once planted, the root of bitterness makes us see things askew. Anything in life that doesn't go our way can make us mad at God, accusing Him of not caring about us...or worse, not even existing.
The train wreck that was 1985 for my sisters and me left us bereft of both father and mother. Cancer took Mother. Jail took Daddy. The one-two punch of it could've been making my faith pure gold, but instead, a seed of doubt about God's goodness was planted in my heart. Lots of questions day in and day out chipped away at my trust. The sheer magnitude of trying to understanding a perversion I couldn't even articulate crushed me in a way I still have difficulty expressing. The slow death of cancer, watching someone I loved so deeply turn saffron-yellow as her body shriveled and her heart broke, was excruciating and soul sapping. On top of that, two of my best friends died of breast cancer within months of each other. It felt like God kills His children. Like things run amok while He bides His time. I listened to those lies loop in my soul, playing the recording over and over again, ever louder, for months. They fed my pricked heart. My paradigm of who I thought God to be shifted. I lost my spiritual footing. And started running. And kicking. And braying. Ignorant and stubborn in my anger. How could God.....?
The result of this was my acting dumb. Really. A wild donkey just goes where a wild donkey wants to go. Does what a mule does. When called to the corral, she balks. When warned of a cliff, she gets to the very edge....maybe even goes over it. When the One Who loves her comes near, she kicks and brays. He wants to keep her from what she wants to do. She loved Him once, but now He has disappointed her. Tried to rein her in and pulled the bit too tightly. It hurt. Why would she let Him near her again?
The thing is, my heart was numb. Scared and confused, it felt good to kick the air and scream and run. Brutish in its primal response, my soul didn't do what a redeemed soul should. Get quiet and think. Not just feel. Had I pressed into God instead of accusing Him, I might have come out pure gold. A shining example of how to endure all I couldn't possibly understand. Because life gives us things to handle that are beyond our comprehension. Like Job, we don't get what God is doing in a realm we can't see. My one dimensional view of Him was that He'd removed Himself somehow from my holocaust, taken two mothers away from their children and left me with no adequate response. No way to explain Him to myself or anyone else. Hee-haw. That's about all I could come up with as I ran toward the precipice.
Nevertheless.....But God....loved His little mule. Understood what she was going through. Why she was acting like a beast with no sense. I brayed and jumped....stranded in midair, flailing my legs in sudden realization of my stupidity, but it was too late. Falling fast. About to splat in a mess of body parts at the bottom of a hopeless pit. But He grabbed me by the ears and caught me up. You know, that hurt, too. Rescue felt like another punch in the gut. It took a minute or ten to realize I was saved. Again! He'd never left me. Even when I acted the fool. Although I made Him look stupid along with me. I know I hurt others during that time. Made them see my Lord incorrectly. I am deeply sorry for that. But I hope in watching His compassion toward me, they understand how deeply He can love even the most foolish of us.
No comments:
Post a Comment