Deal bountifully with Your servant that I might live and keep Your word. Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of Your law. I am a sojourner on the earth. Hide not Your commandments from me! My soul is consumed with longing for Your rules at all times. You rebuke the insolent accursed ones, who wander from Your commandments. Take away from me scorn and contempt, for I have kept Your testimonies. Even though princes sit plotting against me, Your servant will meditate on Your statutes. Your testimonies are my delight. They are my counselors. (Verses 17-24)
And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor..... Isaiah 9
The counselor sitting before me had blond hair worn straight against her hollow cheeks. She wore an argyle sweater, a long skirt and sensible shoes. Her voice was quiet. Her questions on our first meeting were designed to get to know who I was. It felt inane to me. The lighting in her office in downtown Long Beach, California, was dim. It caused her to fade into the walls as her voice trailed off in deference to mine. I needed to talk. I'd determined not to cry. But there was so much roiling in my gut. So much hurt. Some I caused. Some was the unavoidable detritus of another's decision. And I blew up. Almost literally. A messy bursting of an inner abscess. I returned to her office only once after that. Not because I didn't think I needed more help, but because I understood the deeper need of my heart. To be healed. And for that, I needed my Counselor.
For months and months thereafter, I lay on the carpet of my living room floor and poured out a mixture of repentance and wrath. The death of my mother amidst the revelation of my father's pedophilia and arrest had long been left insufficiently dealt with. Instead of working through it at the time, I just moved on. Had lots to accomplish. No time to examine my heart in the aftermath. And it was just too painful to look at. Until I did. And by then, I'd added my own mistakes to the cauldron.
Each day, when I'd vomited up the aching in my heart, I would pick up the Word. It was my "necessary food," as Job said. It was uncanny how the Psalms, Proverbs, Isaiah, Jeremiah and the Gospels met my specific prayer needs. I was in daily conversation with the Wonderful Counselor. I remember asking very pointed questions in my prayer time that were answered exactly in my time with the Bible. God couldn't have answered more specifically had He been physically in the room with me. I began placing the date He spoke to me in the two Bibles I literally wore out in my need. On the page, next to the verse that became God's answer to me, I'd also take note of His response in my own words. For example, on March 17, 2001, so repentant and needy, I didn't understand how God could still love me. How I was ever going to get my heart straight. Isaiah 44:22: I have swept away your sins like a big cloud. I have removed your sins like a cloud that disappears into the air. Come back to Me because I saved you. I love my Counselor!
I was weary of trying to save my earthly father. Of trying to deal with his stuff. I worked hard at trying to understand what he needed in the aftermath of his sin. And in the fray, always were my mother's last words about having wasted her life on her husband. Feeling duped. It bothered me she was sure her life didn't count for anything. A specific thing I needed to address with the Counselor. His answer on April 23, 2003, came from Isaiah 49: Before I was born, the Lord called me to serve Him. The Lord named me when I was still in my mother's body...But I said, "I have worked hard for nothing. I have used all my power, but I did nothing useful." But the Lord will decide what my work is worth. God will decide my reward.
May 5, 2003, I was reading through Proverbs. Hungry. Thirsty. "My child, pay attention to My words. Listen closely to what I say. Don't ever forget My words. Keep them always in mind. They are the key to life for those who find them. They bring health to the whole body. Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life! Don't use your mouth to tell lies. Don't ever say things that aren't true. Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good." Proverbs 4, italics mine.
We don't belong here. The wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. His kingdom isn't run like this one. God's laws are higher, just as His thoughts are. But the wondrous thing is, we have an entire book telling us His ways. Teaching us how to live not only in this kingdom, but also in the next. The Word of God is living, powerful, able to pierce all the way into our bone marrow and change us (Hebrews 4). "Who has known the mind of the Lord? Who is able to teach Him?" But we have the mind of Christ (2 Corinthians 2). Available to us through the His Word by the power of His Holy Spirit. When we pick up the Bible, we are conversing with the God of All Who wants to talk to us from His heart. Who could possibly resist that?
And His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor..... Isaiah 9
The counselor sitting before me had blond hair worn straight against her hollow cheeks. She wore an argyle sweater, a long skirt and sensible shoes. Her voice was quiet. Her questions on our first meeting were designed to get to know who I was. It felt inane to me. The lighting in her office in downtown Long Beach, California, was dim. It caused her to fade into the walls as her voice trailed off in deference to mine. I needed to talk. I'd determined not to cry. But there was so much roiling in my gut. So much hurt. Some I caused. Some was the unavoidable detritus of another's decision. And I blew up. Almost literally. A messy bursting of an inner abscess. I returned to her office only once after that. Not because I didn't think I needed more help, but because I understood the deeper need of my heart. To be healed. And for that, I needed my Counselor.
For months and months thereafter, I lay on the carpet of my living room floor and poured out a mixture of repentance and wrath. The death of my mother amidst the revelation of my father's pedophilia and arrest had long been left insufficiently dealt with. Instead of working through it at the time, I just moved on. Had lots to accomplish. No time to examine my heart in the aftermath. And it was just too painful to look at. Until I did. And by then, I'd added my own mistakes to the cauldron.
Each day, when I'd vomited up the aching in my heart, I would pick up the Word. It was my "necessary food," as Job said. It was uncanny how the Psalms, Proverbs, Isaiah, Jeremiah and the Gospels met my specific prayer needs. I was in daily conversation with the Wonderful Counselor. I remember asking very pointed questions in my prayer time that were answered exactly in my time with the Bible. God couldn't have answered more specifically had He been physically in the room with me. I began placing the date He spoke to me in the two Bibles I literally wore out in my need. On the page, next to the verse that became God's answer to me, I'd also take note of His response in my own words. For example, on March 17, 2001, so repentant and needy, I didn't understand how God could still love me. How I was ever going to get my heart straight. Isaiah 44:22: I have swept away your sins like a big cloud. I have removed your sins like a cloud that disappears into the air. Come back to Me because I saved you. I love my Counselor!
I was weary of trying to save my earthly father. Of trying to deal with his stuff. I worked hard at trying to understand what he needed in the aftermath of his sin. And in the fray, always were my mother's last words about having wasted her life on her husband. Feeling duped. It bothered me she was sure her life didn't count for anything. A specific thing I needed to address with the Counselor. His answer on April 23, 2003, came from Isaiah 49: Before I was born, the Lord called me to serve Him. The Lord named me when I was still in my mother's body...But I said, "I have worked hard for nothing. I have used all my power, but I did nothing useful." But the Lord will decide what my work is worth. God will decide my reward.
May 5, 2003, I was reading through Proverbs. Hungry. Thirsty. "My child, pay attention to My words. Listen closely to what I say. Don't ever forget My words. Keep them always in mind. They are the key to life for those who find them. They bring health to the whole body. Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life! Don't use your mouth to tell lies. Don't ever say things that aren't true. Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good." Proverbs 4, italics mine.
We don't belong here. The wisdom of this world is foolishness to God. His kingdom isn't run like this one. God's laws are higher, just as His thoughts are. But the wondrous thing is, we have an entire book telling us His ways. Teaching us how to live not only in this kingdom, but also in the next. The Word of God is living, powerful, able to pierce all the way into our bone marrow and change us (Hebrews 4). "Who has known the mind of the Lord? Who is able to teach Him?" But we have the mind of Christ (2 Corinthians 2). Available to us through the His Word by the power of His Holy Spirit. When we pick up the Bible, we are conversing with the God of All Who wants to talk to us from His heart. Who could possibly resist that?
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