My heart shudders within me. Terrors of death sweep over me. Fear and trembling grip me. Horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, "If only I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and find rest. How far away I would flee. I would stay in the wilderness." Selah
I would hurry to my shelter from the raging wind and storm. (vs. 4-8)
I was standing in my mother's kitchen helping with the dishes the day we got the phone call. Once a week my baby son and I made the two and a half hour trip to Mother's house where I fixed her hair, made bread and encouraged her in her struggle with the cancer which would ultimately take her life. Daddy was supposed to come home for lunch. Two hours earlier. We had eaten without him. At two o'clock in the afternoon, I answered the ringing phone.
"Hello?"
"Let me speak to your mother." Daddy's voice was strained, angry. I had never heard this tone before.
"Where are you, Daddy?" A little panic building in me.
"I said, 'Let me speak to your Mother.' " He is angry with me now and I don't know why.
"What's wrong, Daddy?"
"LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER!"
Tears sting my eyes. I don't get it. "Mother, it's Daddy. He wants to talk to you." I handed her the phone.
The revelation from jail was that Daddy was arrested, caught in the act of molesting a young man from their church. So I understand how the heart can shudder and terrors sweep over it. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by horror. So did Mother. Where do you run from a father who needs to be picked up from jail? How is the wailing from his bedroom later that night endured? He is keening in sorrow for the loss of the kid, not for his deep remorse for having hurt his dying wife.
Here is the thing. If we are allowed to "flee like a dove" from the circumstances of our lives, we will find ourselves in a wilderness. This was not my closest friend betraying his family, but my father. We were in the congregation of our Baptist church all my life singing hymns together. He was often my hero, sticking up for me when I needed help. The first person I called to tell about my surprise pregnancy with our son because I knew he would answer the phone before 5 A.M. in the morning. Wrapping my mind around the fact he was a child molester still makes me want to throw up.
So what do we do with the raging storm? I can tell you what NOT to do. Because that is what I did. Saying the words "homosexual pedophile" was impossible for the first eighteen months after Daddy's arrest. I wanted to hide from his shame. Instead it wrapped itself around me and I flew....away...
Wound up in a wilderness that felt like comfort at first. Turns out it was simply the wilderness with its own night creatures creating terrors of a different kind.
Fly to Him. It seems counter intuitive because you don't know why He didn't step in and change the circumstances. Why He didn't make it all right before it fell apart. But the sovereign God of all always has a future grace with which to salve the burning pain, calm the night terrors, assuage the crippling fear and keep the heart from total despair. Because our Lord walks in front of and behind us, sees it all from start to finish, He is the only safe shelter in the storm that would overwhelm us. Remember He was in the boat with the disciples...Not looking at the rocking treacherous motion from on high, but experiencing the roiling along with them.
"We are sinking!" they cried. "Jesus, wake up! We are all about to die!"
"Why are you afraid?" Counter intuitive question. Of course, we would all be afraid!
"We are about to sink, that's why!" the disciples yell as they jettison fish and water from the boat.
"Seas be calm." Just like that. Proving He had it all under control to begin with. Terror. Horror. Fear. The sudden knowledge that if God doesn't show up we will drown. In that case, Christ was ready to drown alongside His men, I guess. Because He was in the boat. Sleeping in the storm. No horror. Because even when He is perceived as "sleeping" through our hell, He is with us and will come to a moment when He says to the hurricane swirling around us: "Be still!"
When that time came for me, I was far out in the wilderness with a very long walk home. Flown out there on the wings of a dove.....and dropped at an oasis that was merely a mirage. Don't fly away. Stay and trust the Savior in the boat to guide you through, around or away from the storm.
The Lord is like a strong tower. The righteous run into it and are saved. Proverbs 18:10
I said, "If only I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and find rest. How far away I would flee. I would stay in the wilderness." Selah
I would hurry to my shelter from the raging wind and storm. (vs. 4-8)
I was standing in my mother's kitchen helping with the dishes the day we got the phone call. Once a week my baby son and I made the two and a half hour trip to Mother's house where I fixed her hair, made bread and encouraged her in her struggle with the cancer which would ultimately take her life. Daddy was supposed to come home for lunch. Two hours earlier. We had eaten without him. At two o'clock in the afternoon, I answered the ringing phone.
"Hello?"
"Let me speak to your mother." Daddy's voice was strained, angry. I had never heard this tone before.
"Where are you, Daddy?" A little panic building in me.
"I said, 'Let me speak to your Mother.' " He is angry with me now and I don't know why.
"What's wrong, Daddy?"
"LET ME SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER!"
Tears sting my eyes. I don't get it. "Mother, it's Daddy. He wants to talk to you." I handed her the phone.
The revelation from jail was that Daddy was arrested, caught in the act of molesting a young man from their church. So I understand how the heart can shudder and terrors sweep over it. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by horror. So did Mother. Where do you run from a father who needs to be picked up from jail? How is the wailing from his bedroom later that night endured? He is keening in sorrow for the loss of the kid, not for his deep remorse for having hurt his dying wife.
Here is the thing. If we are allowed to "flee like a dove" from the circumstances of our lives, we will find ourselves in a wilderness. This was not my closest friend betraying his family, but my father. We were in the congregation of our Baptist church all my life singing hymns together. He was often my hero, sticking up for me when I needed help. The first person I called to tell about my surprise pregnancy with our son because I knew he would answer the phone before 5 A.M. in the morning. Wrapping my mind around the fact he was a child molester still makes me want to throw up.
So what do we do with the raging storm? I can tell you what NOT to do. Because that is what I did. Saying the words "homosexual pedophile" was impossible for the first eighteen months after Daddy's arrest. I wanted to hide from his shame. Instead it wrapped itself around me and I flew....away...
Wound up in a wilderness that felt like comfort at first. Turns out it was simply the wilderness with its own night creatures creating terrors of a different kind.
Fly to Him. It seems counter intuitive because you don't know why He didn't step in and change the circumstances. Why He didn't make it all right before it fell apart. But the sovereign God of all always has a future grace with which to salve the burning pain, calm the night terrors, assuage the crippling fear and keep the heart from total despair. Because our Lord walks in front of and behind us, sees it all from start to finish, He is the only safe shelter in the storm that would overwhelm us. Remember He was in the boat with the disciples...Not looking at the rocking treacherous motion from on high, but experiencing the roiling along with them.
"We are sinking!" they cried. "Jesus, wake up! We are all about to die!"
"Why are you afraid?" Counter intuitive question. Of course, we would all be afraid!
"We are about to sink, that's why!" the disciples yell as they jettison fish and water from the boat.
"Seas be calm." Just like that. Proving He had it all under control to begin with. Terror. Horror. Fear. The sudden knowledge that if God doesn't show up we will drown. In that case, Christ was ready to drown alongside His men, I guess. Because He was in the boat. Sleeping in the storm. No horror. Because even when He is perceived as "sleeping" through our hell, He is with us and will come to a moment when He says to the hurricane swirling around us: "Be still!"
When that time came for me, I was far out in the wilderness with a very long walk home. Flown out there on the wings of a dove.....and dropped at an oasis that was merely a mirage. Don't fly away. Stay and trust the Savior in the boat to guide you through, around or away from the storm.
The Lord is like a strong tower. The righteous run into it and are saved. Proverbs 18:10
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